As I taught the Bitter or Better course to other inmates, I saw a common theme in our stories: we were all chasing happiness through external sources. Butterflies, as I’ve come to call them, come in many forms—money, power, status, possessions, and influence. Whether you’re an executive trying to climb the corporate ladder or someone seeking material success, these butterflies often lead to disappointment, frustration, and, as I learned personally, unethical behavior.
Chasing the Wrong Butterflies
In my own life, I believed that happiness for myself and my family would come from having more "things"—more money, more possessions, and more achievements. I thought that success equaled happiness. But as the pressures to succeed mounted, my moral compass became weakened. I found myself justifying decisions that I knew were wrong, engaging in behavior that compromised my values and integrity.
Teaching the Bitter or Better course helped me realize that many of the other inmates I encountered had made similar mistakes. We had all been chasing different types of butterflies, convinced that happiness would come from acquiring something external. We believed that if we could just catch one more butterfly—whether it was financial success, power, or influence—everything would fall into place.
But it never does.
The Pressures of Chasing Butterflies
As I chased these external markers of happiness, the pressure built. Pressure to maintain success, to be seen as “enough,” and to constantly achieve more. This pressure led me to engage in unethical behavior, convincing myself that the ends justified the means. I was no longer open and honest with myself, ignoring the internal voice warning me that my actions were wrong.
This pattern aligns closely with the 10/80/10 Rule, often referenced in the ethics community, including by organizations like the National Association of State Auditors, Comptrollers, and Treasurers (NASACT). According to this framework, 10% of people will consistently act ethically, 10% may engage in unethical behavior regardless of circumstance, and 80% will be influenced by external pressures and circumstances.
For many of us in the Bitter or Better class, we fell into that 80%. The pressure to succeed, to meet societal expectations, and to acquire more—whether money, status, or possessions—pushed us toward unethical decisions. Pressure is one of the leading factors that causes the 80% to engage in unethical behavior. And as we continued chasing these "butterflies," we found ourselves compromising our values more and more.
Why Happiness Comes From Within
One of the most challenging lessons I learned—and the one I now teach—is that true happiness comes from within. When we chase butterflies, we are giving power to external forces to dictate our sense of fulfillment and worth. But as long as our happiness is dependent on external factors, it will always be fleeting, just out of reach.
The students in the Bitter or Better course slowly began to realize this as well. Regardless of the offense that brought them to prison, many of them had been chasing external sources of happiness, thinking that money, status, or possessions would fill the void. But, like me, they found that these external pursuits often led them down paths that compromised their integrity, strained relationships, and left them feeling emptier than before.
Being still, being honest with ourselves, and cultivating happiness from within is where the real work begins. The butterfly lands on us when we stop chasing it. And this is where ethical clarity can emerge. When we no longer rely on external pressures and achievements to define our happiness, we are more grounded, more in tune with our values, and less likely to engage in unethical behavior.
HOGA and Ethical Clarity
At the heart of the HOGA (Honesty, Openness, Gratitude, Awareness) framework is the idea that honesty and openness are critical to ethical behavior. Being honest with ourselves—about why we’re chasing certain goals and whether those goals are truly aligned with our values—creates space for us to choose ethical actions over unethical ones. When we are honest about the pressures that drive us, we can begin to untangle ourselves from the need to chase butterflies.
The challenge for many is recognizing that the happiness they’re seeking will rarely be found in material success, status, or power. It’s about learning to let go of external pressures and focusing on building a sense of contentment and gratitude within. Once we stop chasing, we can begin to live in alignment with our values, and ethical decisions become clearer.
Conclusion: Letting Go of the Chase
For those of us who spent our lives chasing external sources of happiness, the realization that we were pursuing something unattainable was both humbling and freeing. The pressure to catch butterflies—whether they take the form of money, power, or possessions—leads to unethical decisions and ultimately leaves us feeling unfulfilled.
True happiness comes from within. It’s about being honest with ourselves, acknowledging the pressures that lead us astray, and letting go of the need to chase external validation. When we do that, we can finally live with integrity and find ethical clarity.
In Blog 3, we’ll take a deeper look at why we chase butterflies in the first place. We'll explore the internal and external factors that drive us to seek happiness outside of ourselves, and how understanding these motivations can help us break free from the chase.
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